Monday, June 27, 2011

If an octopus and a highway planner had hot passionate sex...this would be the mistake



A photo of the GPS system in the car as we approached the Akashi-Kaikyo Ohashi (Akashi-Kaikyo Bridge) on our way to the staggeringly underpopulated island of Awaji several months ago. If you are wondering what possible wonders could await on Awaji that might necessitate a level of traffic control such as this seventy-five lane cluster-fuck of merging, you will be not in any possible way surprised to learn that it is onions. Yes, get ready for a concrete recreation of a drunken tapeworm so that you all can get your tasty onions post-haste.

And just in case you think our GPS has been huffing glue, Google will confirm the pave-bortion that is this interchange



Side note: Do you see any other roads coming in here? With 17 different lanes, you would expect a confluence of about 6 to 8 other major roads...I see 3 - One from the north and two from the south. I think some concrete magnate paid for some government official's hooker about 15 years ago.

For the love of all that is sweet and merciful run this shit by a native speaker

The idea of poor English making it onto T-shirts has been beaten into the ground like a tent-peg by someone on MDMA, but it should be pointed out that is not just uber-hipster ironic T-shirts that are in extreme need of proof-reading. It extends to all products and a shameful amount of signage. I present to you this product which I get to see every morning on my way out the door.



Most disappointing contents ever.

But on a more (or possibly equal or less) serious note. This product raises enough questions to fill an entire episode of Erotic Jeopardy (a show that is seriously needed in my opinion).

So lets do this erotic Jeopardy style:

Alex, I'll take Obvious Questions for 100.

"This is the first thing you do before releasing a product featuring a language on which you have a minimal grasp"

"What is have a native speaker ensure that the products name doesn't refer to some part of the sexual anatomy in another language?"

That is correct, and you have control of the board.

Alex, I'll take "Obvious Questions" for 200.

"This is what a gynecologist might ask upon learning that product called the "Clit Album" existed" (total side note - blogger's spell check recognizes irregardless but not clit...only one of those words is standard English...dirty, but standard. The other is something news casters on CNN say when they want my to punch my TV)

"What is 'Exactly how many medically relevant photographs are contained within the aforementioned Clit Album?'"

Correct again and the board remains in your control.

Thanks Alex, I am going to take 'Possible ways to employ native speakers in Japan' for 100

"This is one way to possibly employ native speakers in a country rife with products as poorly named as the Clit Album."

"What is a proof reader?"

Well done!

Thanks again Alex, I think I am going to move to "Questions with no satisfactory answer" for 400.

Ok, and the clue is "There is no good answer to this that comes to a sensible mind"

"What is the phrase they were trying to go for when they blundered onto 'Clit Album'?"

Great!

Ladies and Gentlemen...I give you the Clit Album.

Call me lazy

Or call me gainfully employed - your choice.

Regardless (or irregardless as morons like to say when they think adding syllables is equivalent to adding IQ points) It is time to get back into this thing and post all about the past few months which has seen its share of insanity.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Arima! The Hot Spring Resort that is in my back yard.

Kobe, from a physical layout standpoint, is in many ways similar to Chile - the developed and urban part of the city is a long and skinny belt squeezed between the mountains and the sea running (roughly) from east to west. And in this thin belt lies some majority of the population (I would guess 80 - 85%). However, unlike Chile, the physical boundaries of the city extend well beyond the mountains.



Basically everything shown here is part of Kobe, but clearly the majority of the development is by the sea.

This all goes to say that there are parts of Kobe which are rather rural (and partially towards explaining how a major metropolis of 1.5 million can be world famous for an agricultural product - Kobe beef). One such seemingly un-urban destination that lays (lies?) within the city boundaries would be 有馬 (Arima - lit: Existing Horses) the hot spring town. From the current world headquarters of Japanalog, this enclave of geothermic delight lies (lays?) a mere 15 minutes by car, thanks to years of public works money that have honeycombed the mountains with an endless web of slope-hugging highways, valley-spanning bridges and mountain-piercing tunnels, all of which seem to be strictly obeying the axiom that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, regardless of how many tons of earth must be rearranged in the process.

So here nestled among the mountains, yet profoundly accessible by car, bus, or (of course) rail, is the little valley of Arima:





Arima has a wide variety of body warming bodies of water in which to indulge. Everything from the free foot baths:



To the two main public baths:



This is the Gold Bath (not to be confused in anyway whatsoever with a golden shower) - it is so called because of the presence of minerals which give the water a rusty orange-ish tint. (although even those of without a PhD in marketing can recognize that "Gold Bath" sounds a quint-jillion times more appealing than "Rusty Bath")

The other main public bath is the Silver Bath:



This bath features more regularly colored waters, but again, "Silver Bath" beats out "Normally-Colored Water Bath" any day of the week.

The rest of the baths in town are some form of hot-spring resort, often attached to a hotel and featuring spas, massages, skin-peels, reflexology treatments, restaurants, scented candles, low lighting, waterfalls, cotton robes, and have the same general affect on your central nervous system as a Quaalude.



Oh - and since there is a high degree of not-wearing-clothes this is about as far into the land of resort spa as my camera was allowed.

So lets say you are an uptight westerner with an aversion to stripping bare in the presence of total strangers to share in a nice hot communal bath. What else is there for you to do and see in Arima? Honestly not a whole hell of a lot.

You could sample the famous soda rice-crackers that are sold every twenty-three centimeters on the street at souvenir shops








Don't get me wrong - they are rather tasty but there is only so they will go towards providing a meaningful diversion.

So why not try some of the other fare available around town:



Dango! Sweet mochi balls on a stick! (Mochi is essentially rice that has been pounded by a wooden hammer to the point that it has become a chewy, sticky, gelatinous paste.)




Or (much more in my vein) some sausages and pickles with a nice dark beer while puzzling out the latest level of my Japanese study game for the Nintendo DSi.

Once you have sated your physical needs for nourishment, why not try the Toy Museum?



Was it awesome? I don't know! Someone who shall remain nameless balked at the idea of paying $8 for a ticket - although this same individual thought nothing of dropping a much larger number of yen on a massage which could only be enjoyed by one person. So if you ever go to this museum please let me know how it was. I am totally not bitter about this part of the day.

I did get to see the gift shop however. It is nice to know that the Scandinavian countries have found a way to take a block of wood, some string, and a ball bearing, carve it into a toy that does one mildly amusing trick, give it a name with some crazy vowels (like Grønåbül) and then charge as much for it as you would reasonably expect to pay for the latest video game system. Apparently a diet of herring gives you enormous balls.

If you are in a more inquisitive mood, you can hike around town and find the 源泉 (Gensen, or origin of the spring)



Found it! Now what?

Below is another one that was under construction



And if none of this amuses you, just go hit up the alcohol vending machines:



Though these are by no means unique to Arima, that shouldn't stop you from partaking in their fine wares.

Other scenes of note:

This town is not fucking around when it comes to hot springs; even the water in the gutters is in on the act:



Here the central river has been made into a lovely Dr. Seuss-ian maze of bridges, collecting ponds, staircases and platforms.



But before you think this is all fun and games be sure to note:



I have never seen two children with more terrified expressions over rain - however they are not without reason for showing such pant-wetting panic in the face of weather.



This is showing a 10 minute difference. So run kiddies run.

And who is going to save the children in such an event?



Why these fine folks! This is a recruitment poster for the fire department, but could easily be a poster for a late-70's fire-brigade drama airing Tuesdays at 7 on CBS.
Another season of cherry blossoms has come and gone - and once again I was remiss in actually pulling together a 花見 (Hanami - literally flower viewing) party. But that doesn't mean I didn't have time to go out and take pictures of other people's.











Again, as I so often do, I marvel at the ability of large crowds of people to gather in tight spaces, consume quantities of alcohol that would stun a yak, cook with open flames, and have zero instances of violence break out.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Seoul long and thanks for all the fish

A series of photos from Seoul:



Scenes from a typical shopping street in
New York,
LA,
Boston,
Chicago,
San Francisco,
Seoul



This is the first time I have seen a Popeye's that wasn't part of an I-95 rest stop. Other US-based fast food chains that are everywhere include:
  • Starbucks
  • McDonald's
  • Burger King
  • KFC
  • Subway
  • Bennigan's
  • Dunkin' Donuts
  • Cold Stone Creamery
  • TGIF
  • Popeye's
  • The Tea Leaf and Bean


My soft-serve skills are unstoppable.



I don't know why but I love crazy Asian neon signs, especially ones that are just a bit on the fritz.



Runner up in the "Best chain store knock-off" competition.



Winner: for "Frisbee" the Mac store clone complete with workers in aqua blue polo T's just like the genius bar guys.



I will often wonder why, in many countries, are the animals always depicted as being delighted by the prospect of becoming our dinner - whether it's the pig in a top hat at the Mexican butcher, the smiling whale being hooked by a small boy on a Japanese road sign, or this eel here who is actually giving a happy wave to the two girls currently eating his friend.

Bonus question - why are they about to be served a cup of fire?

Nothing in this sign makes sense.



If you don't like:
  • spicy foods
  • the idea of kimchi with breakfast
  • people using scissors as cooking implements
  • meat
  • garlic
  • sesame oil
do not go to Korea.



Wheeeeeeee! Here I am on a ride that is located randomly in a night market. I rode this because there is no way in the history of all of human time that this ride will ever be featured in America - to get an idea why, please view the video below while keeping in mind that this is how it is supposed to work:





Children will be diagonally quintsected with lines? I don't know - that's why I love foreign traffic signs.



Hangul - the Korean writing system - is surprisingly easy to learn (takes about 4 to 5 hours of concentration) - The only reason this would be useful when you don't speak Korean is because of the presence of loan words - e.g. the top menu item here is fried chicken (spelled out phonetically in Hangul)

considering we weren't looking for fried chicken, one could argue that this was not worth the 96 seconds it took me to puzzle it out.

To be continued...maybe

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Koreablog

Going to explore Seoul for a few days - may or may not update based on internet connectivity and my traveling partners patience for self-absorbed activity.

In researching Seoul, I came across this page on Wikipedia:



My humor level has apparently not matured passed elementary school.